Dear Everyone, I know,
I’m sorry I’m not very good at this friendship thing. I’ve never been. Honestly, I’m not very good at even having a conversation.
I constantly feel under pressure, I feel as if when I speak, everyone is watching just waiting for me to slip up, so mostly I just sit on the side, hoping to hide, and I smile and listen.
I don’t know what friendship is because I keep trying too hard, to be the funny one, or the responsible one, or the one they could talk to; whatever they expect of me, because of the time that they told me that this one thing, was why they liked me. “You’re good at organizing things, you’re good at art, I can always count on you, you give amazing hugs.” And this person inside of me, can’t understand who she wants to be, because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
And I see people around me, for whom it is just so easy, hi, hello, how have you been, a pat on the back, cool, I’ll see you soon, and I always turn away because I know that could never be me.
So then I go buy a cup of tea and stand there smiling trying to fit in, changing my personality like a chameleon hoping that out of those hundreds of people I pretend to be, you’d someday decide to choose me.
Because you see I don’t know what friendship is anymore, I don’t know what it means, or how it got so complicated that if I ever tried to be myself, I know that it would be childish.
So I guess that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Or maybe it really is, ‘just me’ who is wired differently.
Still working on it.
©Artalanche_RG || @artalanche_ridhigupta