People who love me by writerhashtagged – Best Surprise Wish

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People who love me by writerhashtagged - Best Surprise Wish

People who love me by writerhashtagged.
My mother does not understand depression
in the same way as I did not understand the
opening lines of the book I am reading,
.“Open your eyes and see what you can with them
before they close forever.”
Don’t really know what the author wants to convey,
and how do you quantise a forever anyway?

stay (v.): to send energy ripples in space.

I am thirteen and my sister catches me drafting
a letter to my brother in which I tell him
my urges to rip apart my skin,
she crushes the paper,
and curses me for reaching out for help.
She says that this is not how you ask for help,
but she never tells me how to
so I never ask for help.

stay (v.): to stop burning your flesh.

I am seventeen when my friend watches me
brand my skin with the word, “Help”,
he breaks down and cries because he realises
that pain demands to be felt.

stay (v.): to cause beautiful chaos.

he tells me that we’re lucky to be alive
in this world at this exact time,
he asks me to look at the sky
and tells me that it’s not black
without character, that it is rather
a palette of deep blue and lighter blue
and amidst blueness and blackness —
there are stars burning and bursting their light
he asks me if I can see their light roar?
everywhere we look, the complex magic
of universe blazes before our eyes.

stay (v.): to hold on to pain.

he says even on the days you feel
emptiness broiling out of your heart,
HOLD ON
Because I know people who fought
their way out of this labyrinth
and I know you will too.

stay (v.): to hug someone through crisis.

When a friend trusts you and tells you
how their rapist followed them on twitter,
you do not shrug off and turn your back.
When a friend trusts you and tells you
how their parents are getting a divorce,
you do not take your love away.
When a friend trusts you and tells you
how hard life is and how they want to leave,
you do not turn mute because you don’t know what to say,

stay (v.): to never leave anyone alone.

because your silence, your absence
will make them believe that love is a promise
that nobody has the guts to keep.

stay (v.): to love yourself.

And when I told my friend,
of everything that pushed me
at the edge of the cliff,
he said that it was an impulse
too easy to fight back
to overthrow, to overshadow,
that I should’ve fought back
rather than giving in.
A., I am,
fighting,
right now,
I promise.
Each day
I wake up to write a memo
titled, “People who love me”
and this time I make sure
to write my name at the top.
My mother still does not understand depression
but when I tell her that I am not okay,
she asks me to travel half the world and
come home; she wants to give me a hug
which is long due.
And, I do.
I do go back home, and this time, I stay.

@writerhashtagged

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